Had a dream. Wrote a song. It's called "Don't Wait." But, ironically, you will have to wait for it on here, considering that only a day after I finished the piece, I left it in Florida, on my first trip to the state. Wow. Fyi, I am not blonde...I know what you're thinking.

But to tell you a little about my upcoming entry, I will have to tell you a little about my past. I want to start by saying that last year did not finish like I thought it would. I was far too bad of a person, and the road to hell for sure was paved with my good intentions. I loved someone, and thought I was in love, only to find out that I was beng foolish, and could not make myself fall that hard, no matter how good it would have been for me.

Jason is amazing, and some woman will be very lucky to have him. I am an idiot. I always have been. And very much jinxed. If I say it is not going to happen....it will. So I end up finding a person that completes me more than I thought was possible in the male sex. Chris. He is like my girl half, Raye, only, he is a male. lol.

Sadly, I could not finish things out the way that I probably should have. I don't have the guts to hurt someone straight out. I beat around the bush and try to get along without hurting, which usually ends up with more pain. In short, Jason was left with nothing after I had both Raye and Chris....at the same time. um...yea. I have always found a way to make things more....interesting....? difficult...?

I think I might be able to smoothe things out a little. Or at least I hope to god I might be able to. I cannot stand hate between those that I love. And When I Love You, I Love You For The Rest Of My Life.

Then something amazing happened. I started being lucky. Things that I said and did....people started understanding. Things that I said to Jason, things that I felt that people didn't understand before...they began to get it. It wasn't just going in one ear and out the other. Bad things started happening....I got depressed....and thought horrible things that only Chris could talk me out of.

And at the same time, as if I was watching from another life, I had a smile on my face, as if I understood completely why everything was happening like it was. My life was a movie right before my eyes. Then it went into slow motion. I watched with fascination.

It was Dec 10th 2006. Raye's birthday. I was on my way, ready to celebrate a birthday with the best friend I lost for the better part of three years or more. I didn't make it. I reached for my phone, in my purse in the floorboard. We were immersed in conversation....immune to the darkness thick around us. I saw the headlights, looked up at the slowing lights, and thought nothing special of it. I looked back down.

I don't know if I heard the word shit, or heard the squeal of tires first. I looked up in time to take a swallow and feel scared, then there was nothing but black as I shut my eyes. The hit sounded like ripping and punching. It was a sound I had heard before, but not so angry as this. When everything stopped, it was like my body was still moving, and I couldn't tell how long it had actually lasted. I heard Chris talking to me, so I looked over, and I remember hearing him gasp, and tell me how everything was ok, asking me questions. I felt my head with my hand, and it felt hot and wet. His voice was shaking, and my eyes were heavy. I knew something was wrong. Everything felt weak, and when I touched my head, I couldn't feel it. I looked into Chris's eyes when he handed me fabric to put against my face. All I could see was fear. And it crept inside me.

My phone was in my hand, gripped tight by white fingers. He pulled it gently loose and dialed. Using a strained voice, he called in for help. By that time, my heart was really pumping, and I could feel it pulse underneath the fabric on my forhead, and beneath my fragile fingers. I begged him to tell her to hurry. It was my moment of weakness. i was scared, and could feel myself growing weaker by the minute, draining my blood onto my chest, and into my shirt. I heard, heavy bleeding....severe head wound..hurry. Please hurry.

He beat down the driver's side door, and made his way to the passenger side, and opened it to me. I wanted to be strong, I fought him to get up, but I could only stand for a second. I was dizzy, void of strength. He lowered me to the seat, and made eye contact. I heard his voice, but not the words. I concentrated hard on staying alert. I focused on his voice, his blue eyes, and studied the quiver in his speech, and the nervous flicker in his look, as he tried not to stare at my shirt. When he pulled the fabric back to look at me, his shade whitened.

When the sirens became unmistakeable, I leaned back in the seat, and held to his hand, but simply let go. I answered questions for the paramedics, but it was like I was watching from somewhere else completely. Like it was someone else's story.

I hated the iron taste in my mouth and nose. I smell it now. I'm wearing that shirt now. I still smell blood now and then, out of nowhere. I still dream about taking the x rays with a busted knee, being wheeled around the hospital, looking like something out of a zombie movie. I still think about sitting in that ER room, trying my hardest to make my sister laugh, so we wouldn't both cry. I wanted to hold on to Mom and Dad, but didn't want them to come and see me like that. I remember the needles...and IV in the right arm, blood drawn and tetanus given to the left. Wanting so bad to make them take me to Chris. Scared when I heard the words "internal bleeding." Knowing the other guy had died from it. Not wanting to risk Chris being next.

I remember them telling me I was going into surgery. Telling them I wanted to see Chris, wanted to know he was ok. Worried that them not telling me anything was bad news. Cj squeezed my hand and called me ♥little sis. They began to wheel me out, and I began to cry. I wanted to wait, I told them to wait until I could see him. Then, there he was. And then he had my hand. I fought back my tears and clenched my teeth. The morphene began to sink in, and I felt weightless, detatched from my head, arms, and legs. I kept my eyes on him, and he pushed a piece of my hair back, wiped a bloody tear away, and mouthed that he loved me. I thought of that only as I was wheeled into a cold room, fed a mask that smelled like rubber and medicine, and laid back in a fresh set of cold sheets.

I woke up two hours later, being wheeled past people. My hearing came to me before my sight did. And the lights were dim. The first person I saw was my sister. I wanted to cry. God I love her. Then there was Raye and Erin, and then I saw Chris. He looked like he wanted to cry, so I smiled. I hugged, kissed, and said goodbye to Cj and Raye and Erin. And Chris layed down in the hospital bed beside me, unwilling to leave me for a second more.

And there we stayed, through the routine checks of my vitals, through bad dreams and chills, and painful cold showers with no towels. Even when I saw myself, and I couldn't recognize myself, I was only scared for a second before I remembered, he was here to stay.

The bad dreams come and go. I recognize myself now. And I made it through a soccer practice. My head stings and itches, and reminds me all the time. My knee gives out when I work it too hard. But I've been dancing on it. Chris bought me guitar lessons, and brought me home a kitten! We got the apartment two days after the accident. It feels like home. I'm still a bitch sometimes. He still loves me.

And we don't wait. I tell him I love him every day. I'm proud of our kisses. I'm not going to hide my love for him anymore. It could have been gone. I'm not taking that chance again.

I'm not perfect. Neither is he. Thats why I'm perfect to him, and he's perfect to me.